Fake It Till You Make It
Parents are really hard to impress, to the point that it’s even easier to convince Mr. Maq to give us a snow day. They want good grades, a clean room, a healthy social life, and for some reason, evidence that you’re “making lifelong memories at Groton.” Luckily for you, this piece of ultraprocessed tree bark in your hands does more than keep you entertained during study hall. It will also give you three lifesaving tips to help you construct an impressive Parents Weekend experience for the overbearing family members in your life.
- Clean your room: First and foremost, the most obvious step: clean your room. DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT underestimate how a little dusting and vacuuming can transform your potential biohazard of a room into a five-star hotel suite. Instead of just doomscrolling, try multitasking. Remove your clothes from the floor and throw away dining hall take-out plates. If you think your parents would still see your room as a landfill, it’s time for the ultimate cleaning technique: The Displacement Method. Instead of cleaning, relocate everything under your bed and block it with a suitcase or trunk. Now, your room should look luxurious. As a cherry on top, consider making your bed! 2. Bribe your friends: Another path to success is to bribe your friends. Okay . . . maybe not bribe, but do promise to buy them free DoorDash. In return, they can tell your parents how amazing it is to have you as their friend when they “accidentally” run into your parents. Have them mention how you saved them from a horrifying 2:00 a.m. fire or helped them pass the nightmare-ish AP Bio, Chem, or Orgo test. Most importantly, do not make eye contact with them while they narrate the story. Your parents will get suspicious if you both burst out laughing at such a serious event. 3. Use big words: This one is less well known. But when your parents ask you how school is, don’t just reply with a casual “It’s fine.” They will ignore your attempt to shut down questions and keep interrogating you. Rookie mistake. Instead, go off on a five-minute-long monologue about your classes using big words such as “nuanced,” “cumulative,” “Harkness discussion”—you get the idea. Bonus points if you use some Groton lingo. You don’t have to know what those words mean. Chances are, your parents won’t either. You just have to talk about absolutely nothing. If done successfully, you will have killed half their brain cells and earned yourself a bachelor's degree in yapping.
When Parents Weekend ends, your parents should leave feeling reassured that you’re thriving academically and socially while enjoying every second of your Groton experience. Whether any of it is true is not the point; what matters is they believed it. As they say, ignorance is bliss.