Grethicist

Should you be allowed to touch all the apples in the apple bin order to find the one you want? –Anonymous

*Transcript of live dining hall debate between renowned ethicists Moral Miotke and The Clisopher below.

Moral Miotke (MM): Why are you touching all those apples? Clisopher (Cli): Who are you to judge the intimate process of apple selection? The process mustn't be disturbed. MM: Do you discriminate between the different varieties? Cli: McIntosh apples taste better than Fuji apples. MM: The poor Fujis, left behind. Groton School is committed to diversity and inclusivity with responsibility, mutual respect, and empathy. Cli: I treat all apples with respect and dignity. I don’t care if you prefer Fuji apples. God's 11th commandment states “thou shalt not yucketh the yums of others.” MM: What about the germs on your hands? Do you want to send the whole school to the health center? Everyone deserves to know that you’ve lathered their apples with your hand grub before they risk their health and eat them. This dishonesty creates undercurrents of distrust throughout our small community. Cli: I approach my personal hygiene with incredible care. In fact, I wash my hands before every meal. Do you? MM: Of course! We, the students of Groton School, feel that each individual must take full responsibility for his or her own integrity. I have 17 different scents of Bath and Bodyworks hand sanitizer—including Infinite Radiance and Cereal Milk Soft Serve. Cli: You just proved my point. We’re both hygienic enough to be digging through the apples. You see, the apple bin is the ultimate hygiene test. If the Groton student does not maintain proper hygiene—washing their hands and their apples—then they risk contracting disease from grubby, health-center-frequenting gremlins who breathe over the apples in the lunch line. MM: I see… The apple bin judges all. It punishes the unhygienic and rewards the hygienic! Cli: Exactly! Why don’t you give apple-touching a try? MM: Okay… Wow, this is kind of nice. Aha! The perfect apple to satiate my hankering for a good ole’ honey crisp crunch

Consensus: This argument requires the classic apple-ication of Newton’s Fourth Law. When the apple fell on his head, Newton had to ponder whether consumption was safe. However, Newton knew that the plague was everywhere. So he washed his hands and the apple, and died a virgin. Stay out of the Health Center, kids.