GrOscars

Perhaps you haven’t heard of the GrOscars before. But fear not! This award is just as valuable for bragging rights as Lip Stink, Spring Fling, and Spirit Week. An esteemed panel has unanimously decided on each nomination. Teachers and faculty were not spared from the selection process…

Best Hymn Singer: Dr. Mary Ann Lanier - no, seriously, who did you expect? She hits the triple-octave jump on the last note and the “infinite riff” while half the senior section is creating improv harmonies. Honorable mentions go to Mr. Capen (max volume) and Mr. Bannard (max r-r-r-rolled r-r-r-r’s).

Most Likely To Survive The Hunger Games: LV would run twelve marathons, cure every form of cancer, not get a single kill, and tell humorous riddles while foraging dining hall soup. Then he would ask: “Did I win?” after realizing his competitors vanished from the landscape five eons ago. Honorable mentions go to Mrs. Martin-Nelson Ms. Jin, and Dr. Black.

Worst Crime: Need we mention “the incident” that banned the PB&J Bar, causing many an upper-schooler to go hungry in the echelons of the night? (Unrelatedly, the tier “Faculty Kid” was introduced to the lowest rungs of the “Good-O-Meter” around this time.) Honorable mentions go to the Casino Night Heist I, Casino Night Heist II, Casino Night Heist III, and whoever stole the human skull from Dr. Black’s classroom.

Most Dynamic Duo: You can sense their presence…The bass-boosted nuclear cough of Philip Holland ‘26 and the reverberant recitation and Mongolian throat-singing of Ethan Yan ‘26…even before they appear in your sight saying things like “It’s trivial!”, “Ehrm, actually—” and “You have a particulate in your nose.”

Worst Club: Allegedly run by Jess Shapiro and Liv Ding, Comedy Club has met a singular time in 2025 (2024?). After their Open Mic stunts singing “Frozen but Politically (In)Correct” and Liv being Damien Man’s hair doppelganger on Valentine’s Day, . . Without a doubt, Comedy Club is the worst club on campus. All of their jokes offend Karens without end and are deeply politically incorrect.

Worst Surprise Holiday Announcement: Ah, yes, an all-school snowball fight during study hall is very plausible. CC’ing Jamie Abramson ‘26 and Henry Lepri ‘26 instead of the other senior prefects did not make the “surprise” any more surprising. However, it did fool at least one person, because my younger sister forwarded me the email and said: “Aw man, now it for sure won’t be announced tonight!”

Worst Hymn: “Taste and See” - what are we tasting and seeing?

Best Hymn: As much as the school wants it to be Siyahamba, I think the descant line to “All Things Bright and Beautiful” takes the cake.

Alum mentioned MOST in the Epstein Files: urmomurmomurmom

Best Chapel Seat: The heated row in the back of the Fifth Form section. Or, if you want to be awake, the row about 6 or 7 seats down from the fan section. You get Dr. Lanier from the left, Mr. Capen from the right, Mr. Bannard from the back, and a ginormous football player blocking the sun from the front (bonus if you make eye contact with Mr. Maqubela while checking your phone).

Most Iconic Catchphrase: tie between “Groovy!” and “HAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHA” with an honorable mention for “five cents” and “ethanol.”