The Empire Strikes Back: Darth Vader Installs Surveillance Droids on Campus

Not so long ago, in a galaxy close, close by, the Galactic Empire installed various security droids across the Groton campus. As tensions grew following the Rebel attacks on Scarif, the Empire deemed it necessary to increase surveillance out of concern for protests under the influence of “Rebel terrorists.”

These security measures would mainly take the form of Viper probe and KX enforcer droids working in tandem with local authorities and the Imperial Security Bureau, Empire spokespeople noted. During his last security inspection at Groton, Darth Vader gave an exclusive interview in defense of the installations.

Q: Thank you for agreeing to this interview. Can you explain why the installation of these security droids is necessary? A: It is in the Empire’s best interest to know what’s happening across the galaxy at all times.

Q: Could you elaborate? A: We wouldn’t want any blasted Rebels infecting the student body with their dangerous ideas of “freedom” or “democracy,” would we? From now on, crossing the Circle, sleeping in Chapel, and using cellular devices in the Schoolhouse will be met with harsher punishments. All displays of disobedience will result in the student being tossed into the Sarlacc Pit. These little acts of insubordination lead to a larger rebellion. The students must be under constant oversight to prevent greater defiance.

Q: Why is Groton targeted in this expanded surveillance? Most other high schools don’t seem to have giant surveillance droids floating around. A: Rumors say that Groton is a tight-knit community. Naturally, the Empire finds this deeply suspicious. We cannot have students develop a sense of solidarity outside of the Empire’s watchful eyes. Unlike other students, Grotonians are not soft. Their training six days a week could make them formidable enemies should they join the rebellion.

Q: Why use specifically probe and enforcer droids? Personally, I’m kind of scared of those KX models. A: Unfortunately, our attempts to repurpose our probe droids into robot vacuum cleaners completely failed. Turns out selling those to wealthy Coruscant elites is far less profitable than renting them out to Palantir. As for the KX models, there’s nothing to be afraid of. They’re only slightly (extremely) violent.

Q: Aren’t there less invasive methods to make sure students aren’t misbehaving? Like instituting school values in the curriculum and dorm life? A: Our droids instill fear. Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Soon, all Grotonians will join me in the Dark Side.

Q: What are your future plans for Groton School? A: With the recent development of technology, I’m hoping that by the end of next year, all students will be replaced by clones and droids. Not only will they form the strongest army of the Empire, but their controllable thoughts and blind submission will be most valuable.