Top 5 Personas to Adopt for the New School Year

A new school year offers a rare and precious opportunity: for approximately two weeks, everyone will be too busy settling back in to remember who you were last year. Rebrand with these limited-edition personalities before it’s too late!

The reformed academic weapon. Your go-to phrase is “Trust me, this is going to be my year.” Purchase color-coded folders and sticky notes that you definitely will be using to annotate. Make sure nobody notices you secretly catching up on homework after check-in or memorizing notes in chapel.

N.B. You must start your essay before the day it’s due, then appear to be only doing the “final rounds of edits” the night before, and go to sleep at 10:30 with a clean conscience.

The nonchalant king. Don’t even think about it. This personality will only work if you are a new kid or have never interacted with others before. You can’t pull off the air of indifference when your roommate has heard you sleep-talk or when your friends have incriminating photos of you.

The mysterious transfer student. You are not a transfer student. Everyone knows you have attended the school for years. This does not matter. Complete a DNA test and find the most obscure ancestry you have. Then, proclaim to everyone that you found your long-lost family. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never been to the country in question or that you’ve lived in Concord, MA, your whole life; everything you do can now be justified as in line with cultural traditions.

The outraged activist. You read an article or two on how data centers are ruining the environment and how globalization is replacing indigenous culture. You become the sworn enemy of capitalism and will harshly chastise all your friends and family for purchasing anything at all. It is essential that you don’t get caught ordering McDonald’s at 8-10 because you hated dinner, nor will you complain when you realize your parents didn’t get you a birthday present at your request.

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