We Are Not Soft

We Are NOT Soft

It has been easier than ever to relax at Groton. What happened to the good old days of muscular Christianity with Peabody and Da Boys? Well, we’re bringing them back! I asked Coach Perry “The Platypus” and Athletics Director Harold “The Legalist” Francis to whip up a routine that would toughen us back up for the forthcoming “Eat St. Marks” day. By following this workout, we will become hard as ice - guaranteed!

4:00AM Wake Up Fire alarm.

4:01AM-7:55AM Morning Jog Everyone joins Marathon Club for a marathon around the track. Anyone who finishes early keeps running.

7:59AM-8:00AM Breakfast Chase Bellamy ‘26 will lead you through his daily routine—arriving at the DH at 7:59, eating an entire plate of food, and still getting to chapel before the 8 o’clock bells.

8:00AM-8:35AM Chapel Motivational speakers only. This week in chapel: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dwayne The Rock Johnson, and Trustee. The only hymns allowed are Battle Hymn of the Republic, Siyahamba, Groton School Hymn, and Taste and See.

8:35AM-3:15PM Classes No conference, flex, or lunch, only five consecutive plus-thirties. Yes, we’re making our faculty hard as ice too.

3:30PM-5:30PM Afternoon Activities Gone are the “feather activities” of Yoga, S&C, and Music FSA. Instead we have: “Yoga but only King Crow pose” instructed by George Carlin ‘26 “S&C but only Dodgeball” i.e. The Hunger Games. All non-varsity sports have been terminated. Instead, we have: “Work Program,” “Building A New Track Entirely By Hand,” and “Prehistoric Conservation Corps.”

5:30PM-6:30PM Dinner Dr. Black takes you out into the woods. You eat what you can catch…so long as it’s not on the Massachusetts Red List of Endangered Species (otherwise, Dr. Black might eat you).

6:30PM-11:59PM Working Out This workout plan is mental, physical, and spiritual. Exercises include 10 reps of “I didn’t study for today” (rubbing Endicott Peabody’s nose by the schoolhouse bust), 5 reps of “Surprise Holiday!” (sprint from Hundred House to the Forum), and 15 reps of “Give me your phone” (hiding your phone from Mr. Maqubela when he jumpscares you from around a corner).

12:00AM-3:55AM Study Hall No electronics. No socializing. No personal hygiene. No sleeping. All work is done with stone tablets, papyrus, and charred sticks.

3:59AM Bedtime Sweet dreams! Mr. Francis will personally tuck you in.